実家での回想録2

今回の帰省をしたもう一つの理由があった。それは自分の作品を見返すこと。
ちょうど私は絵の指標が定まりつつある感覚があり、今一度これまで私が考えてきたこと、描いてきたものに触れ、今持っている感覚と過去の私の根っこにある感覚を照らし合わせ、それらを再確認する必要があった。今回の思いがけない帰省はそれも含めて私が帰る理由だったのだろう。

2019年に頓挫した作品整理を再開し、掃除を進めて行きながら、私の全ての作品に目を通した。両親が残しておいてくれた幼少期の作品から、絵を描くことに自発的に取り組み始めた小学校高学年の頃から中学校時代の作品、高校生時代の絵画スクールに通っていた作品とその課題以外で作った作品、大学時代の作品、それらすべてが実家に残っていた。記憶にある作品、存在すら忘れていた作品があった。描きかけの油絵も、粗末な広告の後ろに描いたドローイングも、ノートに残したワンセンテンスの言葉も、パフォーマンスのビデオも、当時の私の手元に集まってきた物たちも、それらすべては私の人生そのものだった。それらを一通り目を通し、作品ごとにあった出来事とその作品を作る気持ちと姿勢を思い出した。当時何を感じ何を考えていたのか。私のこれまでの歩みを作品を通じて回想した。

それは私のイメージの源泉を辿る旅であったと思う。素朴な観察眼を持った少年時代から、表現の領域に足を踏み込んだ青年期を経て、改めて今私が望む、なりたい私の像とこれから作るべき作品を思い浮かべた。掃除と作品整理は思いの外大変で、私は埃まみれになったが、私の大切な宝物を見つけられたかと思う。
それを再び携えて生きてゆこうと思う。
おはよう、今日もよろしく、私たちよ。

–
“Memoirs of my parents’ house from September 17th to October 2nd” Ⅱ

There was another reason why I went back to my parents’ house this time. That was what I looked back at my own artworks.
I had just felt like I’m starting to get a sense of what my painting should be like, so I needed to look back once again at what I had thought and drawn up until then, compare my current feelings with the feelings that lay at the root of my past self, and reconfirm them. I guess that was one of the reasons why I decided to go back to my parents’ house this time unexpectedly.

I resumed the organization of my works and cleaning rooms that had come to a halt in 2019, and I looked through all of my works. My childhood works that my parents had left behind, works from the upper grades of elementary school to junior high school when I first began to take up drawing on my own initiative, works from art school in high school and works I created outside of my assignments, and works from my university days - all fo them were left at my parents’ house. Among them were some works I had remembered and some I had forgotten even existed. An unfinished oil paintings, drawings I’d done on the back of a crude advertisement, a single sentence I’d written in a notebook, a video of a performance, and all of the things that I had gathered at the time - all of them were my life itself. I looked through them and recalled the occurred events when I created each work, as well as my feelings and attitude that went into creating them. What was I feeling and thinking at the time? I looked back on my journey through my works.

It was like a journey tracing the source of my images. From my childhood when I had looked through the naive eyes, through my youth when I stepped into the realm of expression in art world, I once again thought about the person I want to become and the works I should create in the future. Cleaning and organizing works was much harder than I expected and I had gotten covered in dust, but I think I was able to find my precious treasure from among them.
I am going to carry in my hand again and live my life.
Hello again, us.